Bad Days

I remember reading somewhere that "life is full of good days and bad days." At that time I believed the statement to be subjective. Now in hindsight I grasp the value of those simple words. Today was a genuinely bad day. 

The day started off great. I worked out, ate some fruit, sold some items online then left to shoot footage on the beach. I never once checked my trades. After all with 5x leverage what could go wrong? Fast forward to me sitting at the beach opening my phone to realize I lost money in crypto today. It's happened before and will happen again. The last time this occured was months ago when I was dealing with the seperation. My time was spent between over trading, trying to wrestle my inner demons into submission, and maintaining a toxic relationship with the ice cream.  

The ice cream was my comfort companion when things went bad. It was like Wilson the volleyball to Tom Hanks in Castaway.  It took a lot of work to claw my way out from depression. No amount of money or loss can send me back. The price for freedom was high. At first I had regrets...but now its only appreciation. 

The price for freedom was emotion. I don't feel  any strong emotions anymore. I haven't since my clarity returned. The only emotions I feel now are primitive physical needs. The only time I feel actual emotion is when I'm creating something. Creation, taking something out of my mind (song, painting, book, video) and bringing it into reality is akin to love. That process creates a flame deep within my soul that radiates warmth through my entire body. 

When my daughter Nova was only a few months old. She couldn't speak, crawl or do anything but poop, sleep, cry, make cute R2D2 noises and smile. From that honest description Nova sounds like a pocket-sized freeloader who needs to hurry up and get a job. Believe me when I tell u that after months of diapers and four hour feedings I had those thoughts. The only reason she wasn't dressed in a suit like the Boss Baby and kicked out the door to find work is her energy. Although she couldn't speak when we made long eye contact while I fed her a bottle, Nova would radiate positive energy. Just with her eyes she would exude so much love, gratitude and appreciation that it stoked the flames of my soul like an inferno. Babies are the embodiment of the word love. (They're pure light) When I create something new...that's the feeling. The flames of creation aren't as bright as a babies love but they still generate warmth and light. My time with Nova was bittersweet. The last time I saw her It felt like two people meeting in a busy coffeeshop. Ironically sitting outside a coffeeshop much later is where I noticed my emotional grid wasn't processing correctly. 

I'm sitting outside a coffeeshop with a friend who I've known for over ten years. We were in a deep discussion on why I had stopped seeing this hot girl because she said, "I was a really deep guy and she liked me more than just a hook-up." Since he had introduced us to each other, my friend was offended and couldn't understand my explanation. I told him, the minute she said those words I wanted to grab my backpack, wish it had a parachute and look for the nearest window. Instead I just said, "Thank you." Then I told her that I was completely emotionally unavailable and we should stop seeing each other.  To be fair I told her the first part when we met. 

That was the moment when things got real. He asked, did I miss the girl? My reply was, "No I don't miss her." He said, "We ain't seen each other in months. You ain't miss me?" I didn't want to say it but like word vomit it just spilled out. "No." We held eye contact for a moment when I answered. Like gravity the sincerity behind my words brought the whole mood down. We were both surprised by the truth. Luckily the absence of feelings and strong sativa alleviated any worries that would arise from such a potentially friendship ending revelation. Instead we discussed the facts while googling different types of dissociative behaviors. Whatever was wrong with me, it was going to be fixed asap. Since then I've been using diet and exercise for a natural high while working to resolve my condition. Up until today I thought it was a very bad problem.

The whole crypto market dropped by like 20%. When I look at such a drastic drop so close to the end of the bull cycle the words "market manipulation" dance through my mind like Russian ballerinas on coke. If you've been in crypto for a few years u know it's not a conspiracy to say there's something funny going on. This loss is just a lesson that I need to focus on investing and leave the trading until the bear cycle. In retrospect, if I had managed to fix my brain before the price drop. I can't imagine what my reaction would've been. The moral of the story (if there is one) is, the things u may consider problems in your life, can someday help u on your journey. It's all perspective. 

Until Next We Speak, Be Well 

Tha One an Only